I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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