there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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