I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
