i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
