you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
