I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
