ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
