So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
