i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
