There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
