We're like a lot better than the average bears
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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