oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
