And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
