Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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