if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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