We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
