i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
