he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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