Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
