you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
