no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
