I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
