I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
