So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
