i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
