got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
