Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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