Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
