This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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