did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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