WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
no, he came in my armpit
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
