hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
