I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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