The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
