Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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