And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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