Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
