You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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