your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Will you blow on my dice?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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