it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
