Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
