Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
