mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
