No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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