My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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