I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
