too bad you live with your parents still
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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