Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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