they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
