Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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