I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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